I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
