Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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