I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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