your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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