We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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