I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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