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Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
and she was petting her beer can
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
