and you said cock pushups were impossible
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
