I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
