i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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