There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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