i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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