Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
