There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
