you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
