The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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