Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
