He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
