I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
