Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
