I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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