Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
