She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
