i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
