party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
