If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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