You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
