she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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