Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
