At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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