Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
