I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
