hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
