pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
