I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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