if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
