matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
