He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
