Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
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