i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
