her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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