The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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