It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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