One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
