I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
