if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
