you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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