I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
