Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How does one acquire holy water?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
