Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
