I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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