Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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